All That I Am Today
(A ministry for THIS moment)
"Offering everything we are to the Lord."
writing by South Dakota author BJ Reese
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~ NEW: STARTING JUNE, 2021 ~
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"CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD"
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In June, 2021, we introduced a new page for you to explore. "Conversations With God" will share with you some of my own, actual conversations with our Precious Creator . . . including the responses I sensed from Him.
The introduction appeared that month, right here, on our new "Conversations With God" page. Each month, I will share with you another of these personal conversations. I pray that, as you read them, that they help you find your way to a deeper, more personal relationship with God.
To His Glory . . .BJ
Do it for Him
Colossians 3:17​
"And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of
the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by Him."
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Whatever we say; whatever we do, Paul is encouraging us to do it ALL
in Jesus' name. As if we are doing it directly for Him . . . as if
we are lifting it up as a gift to Him. Then, give thanks to God,
the Father of all things --- remembering to thank Him through Jesus' name.
After all, it is because of Him --- and His sacrifice for us,
that we are able to do it in the first place.
11-14-22
To His Glory . . . BJ
October 14, 2022
(From pages 75-76, "Conversations With God")
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The journal entries, over the next several years, recorded many things I was learning about talking TO God. I was slowly getting better at understanding and recognizing His Hand in my daily life. Still, I didn’t really have an interactive relationship with Him. After the sudden death of my second husband, in 1999, that changed . . .
I began to have long talks WITH God. I would ask Him a question; then sit and listen to the answer which spoke to my heart . . . What follows here is the first of many of those discussions. It is fairly short. It took place while I was sitting beside a creek. The ‘raft’ I refer to is an imaginary vehicle which carries me through life. In discussions like this one, the creek became a metaphor for life itself, and how I live it.
(8-2-2000) (Using the creek as a metaphor for how I live my life)
Q: I’m locked in a contradictory phase: “love me, hold me, take care of me, help me . . . but let me do everything myself.” What do I do about it?
A: Move out into the middle of the stream and ride your raft.
Q: What is in the middle? I don’t understand.
A: There’s a narrow strip in the center that moves slower and easier. Steer your raft to this space. The rest of the creek speeds by on either side of it, churning as it goes . . .
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In this center space, your raft can ride along at its own pace. You can ride at the world’s pace (either side), but the ride will be bumpy and rough . . . more uncomfortable. Ride at your pace, and let the world pass by at its own pace.
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Get near the center – it represents today. Rest quietly in today’s space. Travel at your own speed. In the fast water, you may be churned under. Near the edges, you may get hung up on obstacles. Only in the middle can you ride along with life, at the pace God has chosen for you.
However you receive input from God, my friends, embrace that process. Allow yourself to become quiet and still, until you can sense what it is He wants you to know. It won’t be a sound . . . more like a thought, settling into your mind or your heart, as you listen without expectation or reasoning.
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To His Glory . . . BJ
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Follow obediently​
Galatians 6:9​
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"And let us not be weary in well doing: for
in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."
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No matter where our journey through this life takes us, God is already there.
Some of what He asks of us may seem difficult, or scary, but He will provide
all we need. In return for our faithfulness, His promise is clear:
His rewards for our faithful obedience will be far beyond
anything we can even begin to imagine.
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To His Glory . . . BJ
August 12, 2022
(From pages 35-39, "Conversations With God")
As I go back through the pages of this book, I am stunned by how slowly I actually progressed from a self-guided life to a life where there was genuine communication with God . . . and how little credit I gave to HIM for anything good that happened . . .
(from pages 35-39)
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"Reading my journal entries from that time, however, you wouldn’t know I had the slightest clue about God’s involvement!
The conversations I recorded there were with myself: ‘I was thinking’; ‘I was talking to myself’; and so forth . . . Oh, my God! . . . REALLY?
. . . took the credit for every success: “I felt like it indicates how well I’m doing with my new belief system.” So many of the entries in the early 1990s were like that . . how MY learning . . . was almost solely responsible for anything good that came into our lives. Like God had nothing to do with it. How sad.
. . . NO WHERE in that entry do I speculate that I needed to learn a lesson about giving the glory to God for what was happening . . .
. . . Oddly enough, I did get one thing right . . . I took a moment to thank God . . . for using those events to ‘further my education and understanding’. Hmmm . . . maybe I’d get this right someday, after all!
Thank you, Father, for using this event to further my education and understanding. I am ready and willing to accept my lessons and apply them to my life. Love, BJ
. . . I found evidence of more of those correct attitudes in the next few entries:
(May 1, 1993) I’ve cried and talked to Mom, and prayed, and I feel better. I’ve asked God to remove the remaining anger from my soul and heart and mind, and replace it with joy and peace and tolerance. I know He will release me from this burden.
(May 9, 1993) . . . tonight, I’m feeling sort of . . . quiet; withdrawn; laid open . . . ready to receive or accept whatever comes next . . . I think ‘READY’ is a better word for it. Quiet, grateful, and ready.
I pray that God will make good use of this wide-open feeling I have. I consider myself ready for whatever He decides should come next. Ready to learn whatever the next lesson is that He chooses to teach me. Ready and willing to go wherever He decides to lead me or send me. Stripped clean of all resistance-to- change-and-learning-and-power. Ready to mold. Why this has happened at this moment, I do not know, but I welcome the experience.
(June 19, 1993) I don’t want to be sending out thought patterns that God won’t approve of. I’m afraid that expressing my fears will keep me stuck in them. But, I trust God to hear all my thoughts, fears, and prayers, without punishing me for them.
So, I tell Him how I’m feeling . . . I’m glad I can share these thoughts with God – I really don’t believe I’d get through all this without Him. I’m grateful for His help and love and caring, and for this place to record all this stuff . . .
The growth of my faith continued throughout that year . . . By the spring of 1994, I began a more active approach to seeking Him . . .
(April 15, 1994) . . . I trust Him, and now know I don’t need to know how something will happen. I only need to believe that He will take care of it . . . sometimes, I get scared, but now I catch myself and pray, to refocus my energy.
I even bought some books to help me study the Bible, so I can learn more about God’s Word. For the first time in my life I’m beginning to feel perfectly safe and serene. It’s a wonderful feeling! Thank God for His patience and love.
Based on these more recent entries, it was starting to look like I was finally getting the hang of this.
Hope looms . . ."
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To His Glory . . . BJ
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Happy Father's Day!!!
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Deuteronomy 6:6-7a
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"And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart:
And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children . . ."
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To His Glory . . . BJ
May 1, 2022
(From chapter 2, "Conversations With God")
(from page 32-33)
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"As I became more and more comfortable sitting quietly with the Lord, I began to learn more about myself, and about the anger I struggled with so often. Listening to the creek dance over the rocks and enjoying the solitude, I found myself remembering hurtful relationships from my past. One of them was when I was seven years old; the other was my first marriage. Suddenly, it was it too clear . . . the anger I carried was from those times in my life!
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Here I sat, years after the fact, actually understanding the connection. That revelation brought an exciting sort of relief and joy that I didn't yet know what to do with. That October day, in 1992, God gently led me on a journey of internal healing, comfort, and forgiveness.
Facing the source of my anger helped me to release some of it and let it go. I found myself feeling more at peace than I had in a very long time. For the first time in my life, I felt ready to embrace tolerance . . . to learn to lay down my anger. I knew there was a lot of work to do before success would be fully achieved, but it was a start. What a glorious gift God had given me that day!"
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To His Glory . . . BJ
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Happy Easter, Everyone!!!
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1 Corinthians 14:33
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"For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace . . ."
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To His Glory . . . BJ
March 1, 2022
(From chapter 2, "Conversations With God")
(from page 30-32)
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". . . first time I found mention of any connection between my journal and my talks with God. Since I had always talked to Him out-loud, I feared His reaction to my writing things down - as though He might think I was hiiding something or ignoring Him . . .
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(October 3, 1992) You know, as I sit here talking to you, I'm aware of how strange it feels - almost disloyal; or irreverent. For eight years . . . I've talked out-loud . . . Today, I don't feel a need for that, and it feels odd. Will God think I'm abandoning Him? Will He think I'm ignoring Him? Or choosing not to turn to Him in my times of need? I hope not . . .
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I think I'm afraid . . . that I'm losing track of my relationship with God . . . I can't help but feel that this is a time in my life when only in silence will I find peace . . . all of a sudden, I'm finding I feel funny talking out-loud to myeslf . . . I enjoy sitting quietly and hearing what's happening around me, without making a sound. Perhaps this is growth."
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Since I wrote that entry, I've discovered something fascinating. God is more able to reach us in those silent moments. It is during those times that I truly hear Him. When I'm writing, I can't talk at the same time. If I'm not talking, I can really "hear" what God is trying to say to me. What a treasure!
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To His Glory . . . BJ
February 1, 2022
(From chapter 2, "Conversations With God")
(from page 29-30)
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"In October, 1990, I finally found the courage to seek godly counsel regarding anger, which was a recurring issue for me . . . Through two of my co-workers, I began to learn how to vent my anger without harming others; without yelling at them . . . these two women were . . . both . . . women of God . . . {this} was the first time I had deliberately sought guidance from a Christian. I considered that one of the many turning points in my journey.
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By May 26, 1992, money problems were again in the front of my mind. This time, the list of concerns is followed by another glimpse into my prayer life:
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"This morning, I asked God for a strong sign if I should be doing something different than I am. I pray that, if this is it, I'll understand clearly. I do know that putting the burden of all these extra expenses on Frank's paycheck is really causing me a lot of guilt feelings. It seems so unfair. I hope God will clear my head so I can make the right choices and decisions . . ."
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Still, my journals from that time reveal that my mentions of God were very sporadic. If I was reaching out to Him more consistently, I wasn't talking about it in my journals. I am ashamed to admit it, but I know part of the reason why . . . at that point in my journey, I was embarrassed to discuss God. I was afraid of what people would think.
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To His Glory . . . BJ
January 1, 2022
(From chapter 1, "Conversations With God")
(from page 28)
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From the journal entries mentioned last month, it would be eight more years before anything resembling genuine faith in God began to become evident. There were ups and downs along the way; efforts to rely on God which, in my opinion, lacked any real faith. Repeatedly, I seemed to take credit for improvements in our lives . . . believing they had happened because of something I had done right. A 1989 visit from my older brother planted a seed of change . . .
“. . . until July 13, 1989, things were pretty much ‘status quo’: all credit to me, and little mention of God. Then, my brother came to visit. Through him, I learned I wasn’t so clever, after all. He pointed out that all those times I “talked to myself” and found solutions, there was actually Someone Else involved in those conversations.
In the July, 1989, entry, I mentioned going for long walks and talking to God. I went on to acknowledge the error in taking credit for what I’d learned:
“. . . This is wrong, and quite unfair and inaccurate. The credit is God’s All I’ve learned and ‘figured out’ has been a result of asking His assistance with a problem. I have figured out nothing on my own. He has led me to my answers . . .”
That entry ended with a brief prayer, thanking God for His help. I felt that I had finally put credit where credit is due, and realized that my family was a gift from God. Reading those old entries again, after all these years, I made a powerful, convicting discovery. This was the first time I had expressed any understanding that God’s Hand had been involved in providing me with the family I had. With all my heart, I hoped that this new understanding would be the beginning of a new attitude – one that would stay with me and grow stronger.
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To His Glory . . . BJ
December 1, 2021
(From chapter 1, "Conversations With God")
(from pages 22 - 28)
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As I searched for what I wanted to post for this month, I came face-to-face with a hard truth. I have portrayed a very inaccurate image of my walk with God. Everything I’ve posted here so far makes it look like I’m an expert on this subject. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am here to humbly confess my arrogance, and to share the truth, as I ask your forgiveness.
In my earliest journal-mentions of my talks with God, it is obvious (now) that I was misusing that relationship. Prayers were structured to manipulate God. Rather than genuine surrender to God’s will, I would phrase requests so He would show me how to achieve MY desired outcome. Wanting to escape my abusive marriage, I prayed for help with that . . . but I allowed a friend’s growing love for me to distort those prayers.
(July 30, 1981) I pray that God will grant me the wisdom, and patience, and strength to just wait things out, watch carefully for the right time, and handle everything as civilly, and kindly, and sensibly as is humanly possible.”
Today, that phrasing startles me, and convicts my heart. “. . . the right time, and handle everything . . .” Why do I feel convicted by that? Because, reading it now, I remember where my heart actually WAS at the time. I wanted to be with this new man, and I wanted God to make it look like it was GOD’s idea. I wanted to LOOK like I was trusting God . . . but I wanted things to turn out MY way.
During the next four years, my journals reveal virtually NO references to God at all. Any references I made to Him or His guidance were vague. Any mention of things turning around, working out, or improving, were made in a way that gave ME the credit. “I figured it out . . .” and so forth. I gave no credit to the One Who had been the True Source of any wisdom or knowledge I had acquired.
Today, I thank God that I know better. ANYTHING in my life that is working is because of Him. He is the sole reason I’ve survived . . . and grown. I share the story of my old pattern with you, in an effort to help you recognize any vital Truth God is trying to show you.
What I know today has been learned the hard way - as difficult lessons are always learned. The challenge makes the lesson that much more valuable - if we choose to see it that way. I share my stumbles with you in the hope that new light shines on the path before you. Thank you, for joining me on this journey.
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To His Glory . . . BJ
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NOVEMBER 1, 2021
(Journal: May 4, 2017)
(from Thursday, May 4, 2017)
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This month’s post is a bit of a departure. Normally, when I do my morning prayers, I talk to God out-loud. It’s easier for me to feel like I’m actually talking to Him, and it helps me stay focused. There was a day a few years ago when that was not possible. A laryngitis flare-up made speaking nearly impossible. So, this month, I will share with you my morning prayers from that day.
(11:30 a.m.) Good-Morning, Father:
I’m using my diary to satisfy my need for prayer time because talking is too hard. Thank-you, for helping me (finally) get some sleep last night. I slept soundly from 12 – 2, and from 4 – 8; then from 8 – 9:30. Thank you. Thank you for helping me stomach the honey-water (yuk!) It has helped my throat.
Thank you for Richard’s concern and desire to help. And for stopping us from allowing last night’s argument to get too far out of hand. Thanx for how well we’ve gotten along this week, and for the closeness it’s brought us. Thank you for this beautiful new day, and for letting me be a part of it. Thank you for being a part of my life . . . and for taking care of my family and me. I love you, Father, and I am SO glad you’re here.
Once I was up a few minutes, I realized I am angry, Father. It comes and goes . . . when I encounter a problem with my voice . . . my mom and I used to muse about which of the 5 senses we could lose with the least amount of adjustment trauma. Mama hated talking in her later years, so she figured she could easily do without speech. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t have that problem.
I told Rich that, for me, not being able to talk is like being locked in a closet, isolated from everyone. Having it go on for the whole week – especially after missing out on church Sunday – is even worse. Father, this is driving me crazy! I feel SO angry and frustrated, and cut off. I bring You these emotions . . . I feel trapped. Cornered. You know how angry that makes me.
I want to honor You with the way I live this day, Father, but I must shed all this trash first. Please . . . lift it away . . . replace it with your peace, and the joy of the Holy Spirit. Bless this day, Father. May anything I do today be done in a way that glorifies you. Keep Richard safe as he does his work.
Protect us both from the anger that’s building up in our home. Sweep it away with the wave of Your mighty hand. Fill our home to overflowing with the joy of Your Holy Spirit.
Look after our families throughout this day, Father. Protect them all and carry them safely to their destinations at the close of the day’s activities. Please continue to guide my life, and light my path, and hold my hand when the way grows dark. I ask all these things in Christ’s most precious and holy name, Amen.
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Love, BJ (12:05 p.m.)
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To His Glory . . . BJ
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OCTOBER 1, 2021
(Journal: January 13, 2014)
(from Monday, January 13, 2014)
At the time I wrote this entry, I had been working on writing my life story: “Out of the Ashes”. The book was inspired by comments from people who wanted me to tell the story of what happened in my life after I left my abusive first husband. When I got stuck on which direction to take next, I went to the pages of my journal. There, I documented my discussion with God about it . . .
What are the obstacles, Father? What keeps getting in my way and pulling me off-course?
Details.
But . . . don’t I need the details, to make it make sense to the reader?
Yes. But you’re getting side-tracked by the LITTLE details . . . the ones that don’t matter to the story.
How do I choose which ones I need and which ones I don’t?
Listen to me. Trust me.
I’m not sure I’ll get it when you phrase it that way. What do you mean?
Think about it! WHERE are you? WHO are you today?
A woman of strong faith, who tries to live her life in a way that’s pleasing to You.
Okay. Now, think about how you got there. About how you became that woman.
Okay, then what?
THAT STORY is your goal! THAT is the REST of the story! I am the REST of the story! Look for those points and events, in the healing years, where you can see MY hand in the event. Those are the details to include.
What about the sinful behaviors I indulged in?
They belong, too.
How do I make them fit – to the goal you mentioned?
Love. Tie them to the story with Love.
Because the story needs to tell the Truth? And Love IS the Truth?
Yes. Make THAT part of the book about the TRUTH of God’s Love . . . and how that Love carried you back from the brink of suicide . . . from the edge of that cliff.
Okay, Father. I’ll try to remember these things . . . and to focus on YOUR goal for this book. I’m sorry I got so wrapped up in my own perceptions. Thank you for setting the record straight.
Love, BJ (1:05 p.m.)
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To His Glory . . . BJ
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SEPTEMBER 1, 2021
(Journal: July 30, 2020)
(Thursday, July 30, 2020; 4:35 p.m.)
(This entry dealt with many conflicting thoughts and emotions about the idea of closing down my home-based business of 20 years, BJ’s Balancing Act.)
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. . . God is leading me in a new direction . . . it feels ministry based . . . I think it’s time to let go of my company. More than anything, I want to make the right choice – the one God wants me to make . . .
Father, I know we {humans} can work at a job – or run a business – and have that work be lifted up to Your glory . . . In spite of that knowledge, I feel like BJ’s Balancing Act no longer fits into your plans for me. I feel fairly sure of that, but I feel like I’m missing an important point here . . . What am I missing?
The commercial aspect. All your other work is founded in your spiritual life. It is anchored there. BJ’s Balancing Act was created for . . . financial gain.
THAT’s what doesn’t FIT, isn’t it?
Yes, child. Look at everything else on your web site. Before you put them there, you gave your books to ME. The columns and articles are written ‘To His Glory’ – you write them for me . . . the only work you do for the business that fits your walk of faith are the projects you do {as a tithe or gift}. You don’t need the company in order to keep doing those.
I charted the company’s income over the past six years. I see a significant drop in the annual income amount, starting with . . . the web-site launch, there is no recovery. Is there a significance to that drop?
Yes. You gave it all to Me . . . what we don’t need has been set aside.
BJ’s Balancing Act.
Yes . . . I need your energy to begin moving in a new direction . . . you will work, solely, as a child of God . . . not as a business owner.
There’s a purpose to this, isn’t there?
Yes, as a matter-of-fact, there is.
Provision? Does it have to do with provision?
Yes. And helping people learn how to LISTEN to My Voice when they learn how to recognize it.
Thank you, Father, for tolerating – and answering - all of my questions. Please, teach me what to say . . . and guide my efforts.
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Love, BJ (7:21 p.m.)
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To His Glory . . . BJ
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AUGUST 1, 2021
(Journal: January 22, 2021)
(Friday, January 22, 2021; 8:17 a.m.)
(On this particular day, I was struggling with overanalytical thoughts; pain in my foot; and inexplicable fatigue. I was certain there was some underlying psychological connection, so I went to God for help.)
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Good Morning, Father!
. . . What am I trying to learn here, Father? What are you trying to tell me? Does this have anything to do with Wednesday’s inauguration?
Yes. You’re afraid of what this new president will do in four years. But . . . that’s not the problem.
Then, what IS the problem?
You’re fighting me . . . fighting yourself.
Why?
Because you’re SO close to total surrender – even of hopes, dreams, and outcomes in the future – that it scares you. It also makes you angry.
This is something I don’t want to hear, isn’t it?
Yes, it is. And YOU need to be the one to say it.
(Long hesitation) I thought I would at least be able to hang onto my hopes and dreams. That I could at least keep those as my own.
You can.
But . . . you asked me to surrender my desire for control of those outcomes.
Yes, I did.
Okay. I AM confused. I am obviously missing something here. What is it?
The hopes and dreams ARE yours . . . but I planted them in your heart and mind. They are born of the uniqueness I created in you.
Okay . . . that I understand. What else am I missing?
I didn’t ask you to surrender your dreams. I asked you to give up control of the outcomes. I’m asking you to trust what happens to your hopes and dreams in My Hands. I’m asking you to give them back to me, so I can fulfill them according to my will . . . my purpose.
So . . . my hesitation . . .
Isn’t yours. It is your inner child, clinging to it like a favorite toy.
Because she doesn’t understand that your desire for us is greater than ours?
Right! She’s afraid she’ll be left with nothing.
Thank-you, Father. I will work on reassuring her. I know she can’t fully understand what you’re offering us. Teach me what to say to put her fears to rest. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
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Love, BJ (8:45 a.m.)
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To His Glory . . . BJ
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JULY 1, 2021
(Journal: February 14, 2020)
(Friday, February 14, 2020; 7:25 a.m.)
Good Morning, Father!
I've been sort of curious about something lately, and I decided to come here and ask you about it. It has to do with my prayers . . . it seems as though they've changed somewhat. I'm sure you've noticed, but it causes me to wonder . . .
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Is it weird, that I can't think of anything to ask for some days? Am I in a rut created by depression? Or is something else going on?
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No, child. This is exactly what should happen as you mature in your faith. Your prayer time is OUR relationship time. Our coffee-klatch, if you will.
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So, this is the goal all along?
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Yes, child. Prayers are how you and I spend time together. It is how we fellowship.
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Then, it isn't weird that I'm not ASKING for things?
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No. Think about your fellowship time with the people you have in your life. Is it peppered with a lot of requests and needs?
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No. We catch up on what's going on in each other's lives. We share ideas and thoughts. We just . . . talk about stuff . . .
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Well . . . THAT's how ANY relationship works. Ours should be no different.
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Okay, I get it: this is a natural progression. Thanks for explaining it to me.
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Love, BJ (7:36 a.m.)
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To His Glory . . . BJ
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INTRODUCTION
JUNE 1, 2021
In one of our core presentations, we will discuss the question, “How do I know it’s God’s Voice?” Our goal is to help people distinguish God’s Voice in their lives, as opposed to the voices of their enemies. It is important that we each realize that it probably isn’t an audible voice with which He will speak to us.
More often than not, it will be . . . a thought. A soft, gentle nudge or an idea planted somewhere in the back of your mind. That “still, small voice” to which people often refer . . . THAT is God’s Voice, as I understand it. I’ve learned that the enemy’s voice is often much louder and more insistent; more urgent and anxious; more angry and fear-filled.
Over the years, there have been many times – during my quiet time with God – when it felt uncomfortable for me to express some thought or other out-loud. Sometimes, what I was thinking felt as though it should be more private than that. Or, it has been a difficult question I need to discuss with Him. Since I have always talked to God out-loud, I had to find another way to express the more intimate thoughts.
So, when that happens, I grab my journal and a pen. I write down those deep thoughts that feel too intimate and personal to say out-loud. Whenever I do this, I get a very strong sense of God’s responses. They usually form in my mind by the time I have finished writing my question.
Most of the time, His response is the very next thought that comes . . . the next thing that pops into my mind. That timing has caused me to recognize THAT response as God’s answer to my query. It comes while I’m thinking of the question – not about what the answer might be. To help me clarify, in my journal, who’s response is whose, I write His answers in another color of ink.
Recently, an idea occurred to me . . . to share those discussions here, on this web site. When I discussed that notion with Jan and Kelly, they enthusiastically urged me to follow through. So, starting next month – on this page – I will begin sharing with you my . . . Conversations With God.
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To His Glory . . . BJ
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