In 2012, I attended an “Awakening Your Sense” retreat.  Before I even got there, I was filled with the feeling that the Lord was preparing to do something big in my life.  I was also looking forward to the opportunity to re-center myself – to restore the balance I’d been missing for over 2 years.  For over a year, I knew He was preparing me to face something major inside of myself – something I didn’t want to face.  By the time the retreat rolled around, I was totally ready to listen to whatever He revealed to me during those three days.  Little did I know what a HUGE impact that weekend was going to have . . .

For 51 years (since I was 8 years old), I had occasionally dealt with flashbacks and uncomfortable memories related to being molested by my stepfather.  For 31 years, I had frequently dealt with flashbacks and anguish resulting from an abusive first marriage.  Counseling, and my faith, had brought me a long way in my efforts to learn to deal with those painful memories, and helped me to live a meaningful life in spite of them.  Still, I was certain I was powerless to ever stop the flashbacks.  Modern medicine and psychology have made strides in the treatment of the symptoms . . . but I knew of no way to prevent the flashbacks from ever creeping up at unexpected times.  I’d learned to cope with them; to explain to puzzled onlookers what had just happened; but I was sure I was at their mercy, and there was nothing I could do about it.

In 1999, my second husband – a wonderful man with whom I spent 17 deliciously happy years – died suddenly.  Continuing with a plan we’d spent years working on, I moved to South Dakota just 3 months later.  My life here has been a wonderful testimony to the enormity of God’s Grace and Mercy.  Then, in 2002, God brought a new man into my life.  With him, this man brought unconditional love and total acceptance . . . he’s never tried to change a single thing about me.  Happiness has been abundant ever since we met.  But a curious thing began to happen.  The happier we became, the more frequently my flashbacks began to occur.  I did my best to explain them to Richard, and he’s been amazingly supportive and comforting throughout each one. 

Thanks to counseling, and training as a Domestic Violence counselor, I understood the psychology of this seemingly weird turn-of-events.  I was in a place where I felt emotionally safe in my every day life.  Because of that safety, my subconscious mind knew I could handle facing the memories better than I could before.  I figured that was the reason for the increased frequency of these intensely emotional episodes.  And, as before, I was sure I was helpless to do anything about them.

        When the strange feeling began that God was preparing me to face something inside myself I didn’t want to see, I tried desperately to work on figuring it out.  I would set myself up in a quiet place to pray, journal, and listen for the Lord’s answer to my cries.  No matter what I tried, however, I couldn’t get past the wall in my mind.  I knew it had something to do with the flashbacks and tormented memories from my past, but that was as far as I could get.  Then, this retreat came up.  Right away, I knew I needed to go – that God had something waiting for me there.  During the weeks leading up to the retreat, I prayed about it, asking the Lord to open my mind and heart to whatever it was He wanted me to learn there.  I was determined to keep an open mind throughout the weekend.  When the big day came, I felt as open and receptive as I’d hoped I would.

Each exercise during the guided sessions offered some wonderful new piece of information.  And each one provided a foundation piece that set me up to better receive the pieces that would come in the next session.  Still, as we went through sessions 1 and 2, I felt like I was simply refreshing my knowledge of things I already knew.  When I first read the outline for session 3 – the one on touching  and facing your regrets – I thought, “But I don’t have any of those regrets to deal with.  I’ve made peace with them all.”  Nevertheless, I made up my mind to listen objectively as the session began.

As Beth read the instructions for the exercise, I felt the tears welling up in my soul – a surefire indicator that something was going to be revealed that I hadn’t expected.  I made my list of things I’d just as soon throw away, and went to gather the stones for my altar.  Still not feeling like I knew what I was doing, I carefully placed the stones in my container and wandered off in search of a quiet place to work with them.  At this point, I knew I was about to discover something important, but I wasn’t looking forward to the work.  A rising sense of dread was building up inside me, leaving a telltale knot in the pit of my stomach.

Finding a quiet spot in the grass near a tiny creek, I sat down and scattered my stones about me.  Dutifully, I picked up the first one and held it in my hands.  As I pondered it in relationship to my list, I began to cry.  Identifying what the stone represented to me, I wrote the word on its surface.  Gently setting it aside, I repeated the process with all the other stones.  Some of the stones caused more tears than others.  All were surprising in how strongly they seemed to connect to things I thought I had made peace with. 

I kept thinking of what we’d been told:  how God could redeem ANYTHING we place into His hands, even the stuff we’d rather just throw away.  By the end of the exercise, I felt drained . . . but not like I’d really found out anything new or terribly helpful.  I was left with this feeling of, “And . . . now what?”

The next morning, I was up before anyone else.  So I went outside to say my morning prayers.  While I spoke with God, I shared my frustrations over the previous day’s exercise.  Since this was the last day of the retreat, I was feeling a little panicked that I hadn’t yet experienced that revelation I’d been expecting.  As I sat with Him, a realization began to dawn:  I had been clinging to the flashbacks, and to the pain they carried with them.  I had allowed the pain to become completely tangled up with my memories of the valuable lessons I had learned from all those painful events . . . as though the pain and the memory were interchangeable things.  Somewhere, in my fierce determination to hang onto the lessons I had learned, I had also held onto the ugliness that had taught me those lessons.

In those moments of quiet, God laid a wondrous understanding on my heart.  A way I could actually be FREE of the painful flashbacks that had tormented me for so many decades.  Knowing the wonders of our God and how all-knowing He is, it is no surprise that He did so in a way that MY mind could truly comprehend.  He showed me a way for the flashbacks to become a separate thing – something that could be removed without losing or destroying anything of value.  First, He assured my heart that I could keep the lessons – always.  Then, He laid on my heart:  “it serves no useful purpose to hang on to the pain.  The flashbacks only connect you to the pain . . . NOT the lessons.” 

BAM!!!  There it was.  A definitive line between the pain I’d endured and the valuable lessons I’d fought so very hard to learn.  I began working on concise notes about my experiences of the weekend thus far, and prayed for God to remove the painful flashbacks.  To sever the ties to them, so that they could no longer interfere with my life.  To take all the rubble from the old altar and redeem it – to rebuild it into something He could use.

        Sunday morning’s session on Hearing added more clarity to the things I’d learned from the Saturday exercise.  Everything I heard during that session spoke to me of sitting quietly and resting in the silence.  “Be still and know that I am God.” came to me during those exercises.  By the time the retreat was over, I felt deliciously relaxed.  The renewal I’d hoped to find was wrapping itself around me and it felt wonderful.

Sunday evening, my brother and sister-in-law sat up with me for hours, hearing all about my experiences of the weekend.  They prayed with me, and led me through a Bible study of verses relative to my situation.  They rejoiced with me at the promise of my finally being free of the dark shadows that had haunted and tormented me for most of my life.  When I went to bed Sunday night, I slept soundly and peacefully.

Monday morning, I woke up feeling refreshed and energized.  As my day began, God went to work in earnest on the things He’d shown me over the weekend.  I found myself unable to stay awake or even sit up for any length of time, I slept most of the day.  I felt the Spiritual Warfare that was waging inside me; I was aware of it each time I’d awaken for a few minutes.  But I was totally, wonderfully relaxed and at peace.  There was no anxiety.  No emotional instability.  No imbalance of any kind. 

This is extremely unusual whenever I don’t feel well and others are around.  I’ve always lapsed into tears when I realize I don’t feel like participating in the activities going on around me.  Not this time.  I felt absolutely NO ill effects whatsoever.  All I knew was I needed to lie still and let God do His Work.  There was nothing for me to do.  From Monday morning to Tuesday morning, I slept about 20 hours. 

Tuesday, I awoke feeling refreshed and completely at peace.  Tuesday, my brother offered a suggestion to further the sense of healing and release.  “As you feel the Lord Cleanse you of each item written on the stones in that old altar,”  he said, “write down the Spiritual Opposite of that item.”  Recognizing the soundness of his advice, I took some notes.  I would review those notes periodically, to see where I was.  By that Friday, I had begun the list of Spiritual Opposites.  I was delighted to discover that I already had been Cleansed and Freed of quite a few of the items on that list.  For five consecutive days, I discovered I wasn't having the familiar, unbalanced responses to everyday upsets.  That’s some sort of record for me! 

I knew God was still working, and that was fine.  I didn't want to rush or force the process.  I definitely wanted it to happen in God’s Time.  Otherwise, the healing wouldn't be real.  For the next several months, I did my best to 'stand fast', watching God work a miracle in my soul.  Every day since that retreat, I have lived in excited anticipation of  the possibilities that await me along this journey called life.  The “Awakening Your Senses” retreat changed my life, and I can hardly wait to see what God does with those changes! 

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                                                                 To His Glory . . . BJ   

                                                                                        See you next time . . .  

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